Here is a list of new concession stands at Mall of America Field this year:
Forty One Donut – Step on up, have a donut, and relive the Vikings 41-0 loss to the Giants in 2001. For Vikings fans, the taste of this donut is truly a life-altering experience.
12 Guys, Burgers, and Fries – Take a walk down memory lane at this burger joint and remember the “12 men on the field” call that spoiled the Vikings’ playoff run in 2009.
Gary Anderson’s Big Time Shanks – Inspired by Anderson’s missed field goal that would have sent the Vikings to the Super Bowl in 1998, this eatery is serving up some really big lamb shanks. For Vikings fans, the sight of a shank this colossal is something that will be ingrained in your mind forever. Remember, these shanks are huge. Try not to choke.
Love Boat Lounge – Experience the sights and smells of the Vikings’ Love Boat scandal in this new lounge. Featured items on the menu include drunken chicken, strip steaks, naked martinis, and a variety of imported tuna.
Brett Favre’s Sausage Stand – There are definitely some delicious offerings at this gourmet sausage stand. The presentation is exceptional. In fact, you’ll want to text pictures of these weiners to all of your friends.
Super Bowl, Homeboy - Vikings fans can now enjoy a super bowl of chili during the game. This stand is inspired by Randy Moss’s tirade over the Vikings’ catered food in 2010. We’ve heard that the chili is so delicious that Randy Moss actually WOULD feed it to his dog.
Metrodome Snow Cones – In an ode to the Metrodome roof collapse, this stand is selling massive snow cones. So big, your arm will nearly collapse under the weight. So tasty, you’ll cave in and buy one every time you pass by.
Onterrio Smith’s Lemonade Stand – At this stand, you can have a glass of lemonade and reminisce about the Whizzenator affair in 2005. This place serves up a pure and chemical-free product. Enjoy it ice cold or at body temperature. If you’re hesitant to try warm lemonade, just ask for a “sample” size.
Coach Burnsie’s Frozen Custard - Fans have discovered that ex-head coach Jerry Burns really knows how to put the cuss in custard. We think you’ll agree that this bleeping custard is bleeping delicious.
Vikings Trophy Room - Some weeks the product here is tough to swallow. Other weeks, you’ll leave with a nice taste in your mouth. Regardless, rest assured that there is always plenty of room in the Vikings Trophy Room.
Photo by JoelBielawa via Flickr
Be sure to watch for the following foods at the Minnesota State Fair this year:
Muffin tops – You’re guaranteed to find muffin tops scattered throughout the fair.
Gum – If you’re in the mood for gum, see the toothless carnies at the Midway.
Fat back – Take our word for it, you’ll have a hard time avoiding all of the fat back at the fair.
Waffles – Every major political party will be represented at the fair. Stop by one of the booths for a waffle or two.
Buns – With Minnesota’s obesity rate at an all-time high, the buns at the fair will definitely be larger than past years.
Melons - Pretend you’re a state fair judge and keep your eyes open for some blue ribbon melons.
Cheese – As always, there will be plenty of cheese around the various small performance stages.
Hamhocks – You’ll see a hamhock or two in close proximity to the square dancing competition.
Weiners – If you’ve got your heart set on a weiner, head over to Machinery Hill, the DNR booth, or the Sammy Hagar concert.
Suckers – Plenty of suckers abound at the Midway this and every year.
Turkey skin – If you’re on the hunt for turkey skin, be sure to attend Senior Citizen day or a needlepoint exhibition.
Chicken legs – Chicken legs will be 2-for-1 during the Dwight Yokum concert at the grandstand.
Cottage cheese – You will surely see some cottage cheese while you’re strolling the fair this year.
Pie – You’ll discover loads of fresh pie just outside the cow barn.
Photo by: Jodi0327 via Flickr
Saint Paul, MN
Officials at the governor’s office have confirmed that Governor Mark Dayton is a cyborg. Months of pressure led up to this point as an increasing number of Minnesotans felt that “something was off” or that “the governor didn’t seem quite right.” An activist group called CIBORG (Citizens Ideologically Behind Outing Robotic Governors) formed recently. It is believed that the group’s influence prompted the governor’s office to admit Dayton’s android status. State officials have confirmed that Dayton’s true identity is Advanced Cybernetics model MARK DATA TEN. Citizens in Saint Paul were asked to comment on today’s announcement:
Darius Swenson, Roseville: “I always thought the governor was lifeless, stiff, and fairly robotic and as it turns out my assessment was spot on.”
Holly McCrae, Woodbury: “I had heard on several occasions that the governor was “worth a lot of money.” I thought that referred to his family’s wealth, but now I see it refers to the cost of an advanced cyborg.”
Butch Remington, Falcon Heights: “It’s easy for a cyborg to propose tax increases on cigarettes and beer. I wouldn’t expect a proposal to increase the taxes on cyborg microprocessors in the near future.”
Marty Chang, Saint Paul: “I recently heard on the news that governor Dayton had spinal surgery at the Mayo Clinic. They were probably replacing his endoskeleton.”
Sally Underwood, Lake Elmo: “Is it possible that he’s the progeny of a Dayton’s department store mannequin?”
James Landry, West St. Paul: “This would make him a perfect leader for the Democratic-Farmer-Labor-Cyborg party.”
Wendy Oldman, Saint Paul: “I’m proud of him. He shows a lot of emotion for a cyborg.”
Jeffrey Williams, Afton: “I thought cyborgs typically had advanced reasoning and analytical capabilities. Something is clearly wrong with his programming.”
Photo by: Minnesota National Guard via Flickr
Hey Gopher Sports Fans! Tired of all the change in the Gopher sports programs? Suffering from a case of Norwood FaTeague? Let’s hope ol’ Norwood doesn’t go changing the Golden Gopher nickname, but here are a few good options if he does.
The Nits: A nit is another term for a young louse, and for the basketball team would explain any “lousy” play. An added benefit of this nickname is that its spelling indicates where they will likely be competing in the post-season. (N.I.T.)
The Fleas: These little insects are difficult to spot and are completely inaudible, just like the students at Gopher football games.
The Humpback Whales: These animals migrate to a new home every couple of seasons, just like talented Gopher basketball players.
The Aphids: This annoying insect is known for consuming roses. The nickname may prove extremely awkward if the football team were to get to the Rose Bowl. Don’t worry, we’ve got about 50 years to troubleshoot the problem.
The Pioneers: This would be a perfect name for the basketball team, who, like the pioneers in the 1800′s, are used to getting schooled in a barn.
The Carpenter Ants: A suitable name for the basketball squad. The “carpenter” reference will show other teams that they are still in “rebuilding mode” and may also inspire the players to construct their own practice facility.
The Buffalo: Historically, this animal spent much of its time evading the Sioux, just like the Gopher hockey team will in the upcoming seasons.
The Nutria: These beaver-like rodents are a common sight in New Orleans. Like many Gopher sports programs, they can frequently be found in the gutter.
The Groundhogs: Great name for the Gopher football team who, like groundhogs, keep digging themselves into holes they rarely get out of.
The Tellers: Just like the Gopher football team, tellers instinctively hand over the spoils at the first sign of conflict in The Bank.
photo by anarchosyn via Flickr
Try the following recipe for sausage-stuffed chicken. It’s so good it will leave you weak in the knees.
1. Procure. Go out and find yourself a nice bird. Take your time to get one that suits your deepest desires. If you enjoy shapely legs or meaty thighs, seek this out. Breast size is an extremely important thing to consider. You should also decide whether you’d like a domestic or free-range hen. Would you prefer a wholesome and organic smart-bird? Or would you rather keep things cheap and easy with a chemical-filled one? It’s up to you. Just make sure to choose one with a size to match your appetite. When you’ve found the one you like, bring the hen back to your place.
2. Prepare. Once at home, remove the exterior layer. Take a moment and enjoy the sight of your undressed bird. If you worked hard to find one that suits you, this step will be very enjoyable. Notice the bird’s supple skin, breasts, thighs, legs, and back. Bathe your bird by giving it a nice rinse-down. You’ll have this thing in your mouth before too long, so cleanliness counts. After patting dry, take a moment to open a bottle of wine and adjust the lighting.
3. Massage. In order to get the most out of your bird, you’ll want to massage it. Start by pouring a generous amount of oil over the hen’s back. (Any type of oil will work with the exception of Extra-Virgin. This type often yields inconsistent results.) Massage the oil into the back and thighs. Don’t be too rough, the point here is to get the hen as loose as possible. While you’re at it, give the chicken a splash or two of wine. Now flip the bird over and oil the front. You’ll want to spend a lot of time massaging the breasts. Take your time and enjoy the process. With experience, you’ll find that a longer massage will result in a faster-finishing hen.
4. Insert Sausage. Now comes the fun part. Take whatever sausage you have on hand and insert it into the bird. If you selected a bigger bird, you may have to spread the thighs a bit. It doesn’t matter what type of sausage you’ve got. You could use a Polish, Italian, or German sausage or even a typical American-style wiener. For a walk on the wild side (or if you’ve got an insatiable appetite) a really big sausage may suit you best. Just make sure your sausage is somewhat firm if you want quality results. It’s really up to you as to how much sausage you want to put in there. When it doubt, just use the whole thing.
5. Apply Heat. Gradually, but with a great deal of determination, raise the heat on the bird until it has finished. You know the process is done when the sausage releases its juices inside the cavity. This will often impregnate the hen with a wonderful essence. If your ingredients are compatible, you can expect a wonderful marriage between the two.
We hope you enjoy this recipe. Whether it leaves you completely satisfied or screaming for more, we hope this is one dish you’ll want to do over and over again.
Saint Paul, MN
State government officials announced yesterday that Stayfree has agreed to purchase the naming rights to the state of Minnesota. Stayfree, the maker of a wide variety of maxipads, has opted to rename the state Maxisota as part of its latest branding campaign. In exchange, Minnesota will receive a one-time payment of $650 million and a yearly payments of $65 million. It is anticipated that these payments will be used to alleviate state budget deficits. Comments from Maxine Padd, Stayfree Vice President of Public Relations follow.
Padd: “When Stayfree made the decision to purchase the naming rights to one of our 50 states, our attention was immediately drawn to Minnesota. Her appearance was similar to many of our customers. First, overspending at the state level was causing some extreme bloating. The pain, discomfort, and cramping she was feeling in trying to resolve her budget deficit was very familiar to us. Her 10,000 lakes were giving her some significant issues with water retention. When we saw these symptoms we knew we had found the right partner for our branding campaign.”
Padd: “Stayfree had a laser-focused plan for Minnesota from day one. We knew that alleviating the budget deficit was impossible, but we could certainly help with the bloody mess. We would provide Minnesota with a one-time cash payment to absorb some of the budget troubles. We couldn’t identify all of the areas of Minnesota’s wasted spending, but we knew we could help with some of the leakage. Our yearly payments would provide extra padded comfort for those years when revenues could be described as light-flow. We couldn’t forecast all of the future revenue, but when deficit levels appeared spotty we knew we could be of assistance. We believe our partnership will usher Minnesota into a much more comfortable period.”
Padd: “Stayfree would like to take this opportunity to announce some of our other partnerships across Minnesota. At Wild hockey games this year, we will be announcing: “This period brought to you by Stayfree. Because the only one stacking the pads to prevent leakage should be the visiting goalie.” Stayfree will also sponsor MN-DOT traffic reports, where congestion will be described as either “light-flow, medium-flow, heavy-flow, or overnight.” Lastly, we are especially proud to announce an alliance with the Orpheum Theater to sponsor next month’s showing of the musical Ragtime.”
Padd: “The decision to rename the state Maxisota was not an easy one. We first considered Menstruasota which we thought had a nice flow to it. We later considered naming the state Minnepause though that name would certainly not appeal to our target demographic.”
Photo by: Birdshat Designs
Unseasonably cold weather will put a damper on the fishing opener for northern Minnesota anglers. Ice-covered lakes will leave many fishermen standing on the shore with their rods in their hands. For those unable to access their local fishing hole, here is a list of other things to do on fishing opener:
Sit around and sniff stink baits.
Get drunk and sort your tacklebox. If you get poked by a hook, have another drink.
Think of names that rhyme with Babe Winkelman. Try not to use Gabe Tinkelman or Abe Finkelman.
Dress up like a DNR employee. Go to the bathroom and stock your toilet with as many crappies as you can muster.
Before bed, open a container of nightcrawlers in your refrigerator. In the morning, play a game called “Find the Worms.”
Make a playlist of cool fishing songs for your iPod. List should include Nitty Gritty Dirt Band’s “Fishing in the Dark” and, well, just make sure that one is on there.
Invite someone named Bob to your house. Fill a wooden tub with water and bob for bobbers with Bob. Afterwards, watch the movie “What About Bob?”
Dress up like the Gorton’s Fisherman and practice casting in your front yard, stoically.
Play fishing simulator video games. If you catch a fish, yell “FISH ON!” as loud as you can.
Immerse yourself in a tub full of leaches.
Play “Go Fish.”
Bury hooked plastic worms in your yard and see how many birds you can catch. Eat birds.
Make paella in your livewell. Enjoy the extra hint of fishiness from last year’s catches.
Consume three cans of Campbell’s Bean With Bacon Soup. Mount trolling motor inside bathtub filled with hot water. Climb in tub, set motor to highest speed, and pass as much gas as possible to create a relaxing homemade jacuzzi.
Buy fish at grocery store. Eat fish.
Get a notebook and fill with imaginative and dramatic fishing stories. You’ll need them soon enough.
Photo by benet2006 via Flickr
You asked for it Minnesota! Here is the list of our best-named cities.
Downer, MN – A drive through this tiny unincorporated town may not send you into full-on depression but you’ll definitely understand how the town got its name.
Ham Lake, MN - Mmmmm. An entire lake filled with delicious ham. We could make a gigantic sandwich if only we lived in the nation’s breadbasket and had a clinic full of Mayo. Oh, wait.
Fertile, MN – We’re not sure if this town’s name refers to the fields or the women. Either way this is the perfect place for a man to plant his seed.
Minnesota City, MN - In a dazzling display of intellect, this city’s name showcases some true Minnesotan creativity. Nice one, Minnesota City.
Plainview, MN - Aptly named. There is a view and it is plain. Very, very plain.
Ironton, MN – This town located on the Cuyuna iron range opted for simplicity and named itself for its chief export. One would think it would be the perfect name for an iron range town until one heard about…
Mountain Iron, MN – That’s right. An entire mountain of iron towering above the Mesabi iron range. This town has got some serious swagger and is the self-proclaimed “Taconite Capital of the World.” Eat it, Ironton.
Nowthen, MN - This town’s name would be a perfect fit for a geographical Abbott and Costello routine. As in: “Now then, where are you from?” “Yes.” “Where?” “Nowthen.” “No, I asked where you are from.” You know the rest.
Embarrass, MN - Embarrass shares the record for the coldest temperature ever recorded in Minnesota at -60 degrees Farenheit. Now THAT’S embarrassing.
Sleepy Eye, MN – Anyone who has ever watched Little House on the Prairie has dreamed of hitching the wagon and riding from Walnut Grove to Sleepy Eye with Pa and Mr. Edwards. And what a long and boring dream it is. Our eyes are getting sleepy just thinking about it.
Enjoy this list of Minnesota’s worst-named cities!
Mountain Lake, MN - Mountain Lake. Riiiight. The name surely looks nice on tourism brochures but we think there may have been more than a few visitors disappointed in the lack of alpine activities.
Kiester, MN - It would be easy to poke fun at the name of this small town butt we don’t want to take a crack. Let’s just say that this town brings up the rear, falls far behind, and takes a real backseat to the other names on the list. The person who named the town should be spanked.
Motley, MN - The definition of motley is “incongruously varied in appearance or character.” Apparently little Motley was once a hotbed of cultural and racial diversity and over the years has come a long, long way.
Darfur, MN - If there is a polar opposite of the region in Sudan known for genocide, famine, and gangs of warring Africans this small town would be it. Would be fun to visit, if only to send a “Greetings From Beautiful Darfur” postcard.
Cosmos, MN – The cosmos. The universe. The infinite expansion of possibility. Unfortunately nothing of that magnitude can be contained within the boundaries of this little village.
Climax, MN - Climax is defined as “the most intense, exciting, or important point of something, a culmination or apex.” Not the best name for a small and sleepy town. Thanks to neighboring Fertile, MN we get “Fertile woman dies in Climax” jokes which never seem to get old.
Alpha, MN - Alpha. The first. The best. The alpha dog. The alpha male. Is this town “alpha” anything?
Nimrod, MN - Besides being a biblical figure, Nimrod also means “a person expert in or devoted to hunting.” Unfortunately we can’t get past the fact that its most-known definition is “a simpleton or nerd.” Maybe a rebranding campaign is in order.
Santiago, MN - Who knew that Minnesota has its own “Little Pueblo on the Prairie?” If there was a geographical, cultural and socioeconomic inverse to the capital of Chile this township may be it.
Clearwater, MN - Anyone who has driven across the bridge between Clearwater and Clear Lake and looked down to see the river knows why this town made the list. Apparently originally named El Dorado. Should have stuck with that.
Coming soon – Minnesota’s best-named cities!
The CDC is reporting that a devastating outbreak of Spring Fever is making its way across Minnesota. This serious malady can result in anxiousness, depression, moodiness, and obsession with the weather. Many Minnesota hospitals have opened temporary triage units to cater exclusively to the overwhelming number of patients suffering from Spring Fever. These units will provide services to treat both the mental and physical symptoms of those afflicted. Patients in local emergency rooms were interviewed yesterday.
Rob Jones, Burnsville: “Spring Fever caused me to spend six hours chipping at the ice on my driveway just to see what it looked like again. After I was done with that I started on the street. That’s when my wife told me I needed to get some help.”
Ashley Smith, Elk River: “I was so ready for summer that I went ahead and tried giving myself a Brazilian bikini wax. I’m here today to deal with the damages. Let’s just say that those things are best left to the professionals.”
Gwen Anderson, Stillwater: “I’m really appreciative of the special triage unit. For weeks I had been rubbing baby oil on my body and tanning in the sun underneath the bay window in my living room. It’s sad, but my skin tone did go from butt-white to buttermilk.”
Clark Little, Richfield: “I had a bad case of Spring Fever. I mail-ordered 5,000 mosquitos from Panama and released them in my home. The hundreds of mosquito bites brought me right back to summer in Minnesota. I guess I just couldn’t wait.”
Julia Love, Woodbury: “My Spring Fever was so severe that I wore my swimsuit under my clothes for over a month. I ended up with a nasty rash. Thank goodness for this triage unit.”
Elmer Anderson, Brooklyn Park: “I knew I had Spring Fever when I caught myself wearing shorts and flip-flops when there was still snow on the ground. I checked myself in to get some help. It’s been a long winter. I guess I just needed to air things out a bit.”